It’s World Cup time, again.
The World Cup is in full swing. Media outlets across the country are falling all over themselves to cover the USA soccer team. They are declaring things like “World Cup Fever Grips America“. I heard a commentator on TV a couple days ago say that the entire country is “mesmerized” with the US soccer team. Earlier today, I heard a radio sports guy say that on Thursday, when the USA plays Germany, no work will get done in the United States. Really? I have not heard a single person at work, or anywhere else for that matter, talking about the World Cup. I’m just not buying it. Personally, I couldn’t care less about the World Cup or soccer in general. Why? It’s just flat out boring.
I’m not sure I understand the push in this country to try to make people like soccer. I know that people are watching the World Cup. I understand that the game against Portugal had the most US viewers of any soccer game ever. I’m still not buying it. I think this is a national pride thing, plain and simple. I think that once the US team is eliminated, the country as a whole will go back to not caring about soccer for another 4 years.
The entire world loves soccer, except for us. What is wrong with Americans? Why can’t we be obsessed over the game the rest of the world is rabid over? I mean, afterall, soccer is filled with wild, end-to-end action, right? I mean, just watch the video below!
Ummm, well, maybe it’s not so exciting. If you made it through that entire clip without falling asleep, you deserve a medal. Ok, so soccer players are tough and play like gladiators, right?
Hmmm, not so much, I guess. The constant dramatic flopping in soccer is ridiculous and offputting. I mean seriously, if I wanted to watch a bunch of grown men act like whiny wimps, I’d watch a Miami Heat game.
Here’s another thing about soccer I, and most Americans, don’t get. Why can’t anyone see the clock? The time is kept completely at the discretion of the umpire (or ref, or whatever he’s called) and no one else knows when the game will end. Then, out of nowhere, he blows his whistle and the game is over. How stupid is that? Some of the most exciting moments in sports happen at the end of games when the teams are scrambling to close out the game in the waning seconds.
All this being said, I want to be fair to soccer. There are some things about the game I absolutely love. Shoot, I even really like the movie “Goal!”. Here are the good things about soccer, in my opinion.
1. The fans. It’s amazing how passionate soccer fans are. United States sports fans could learn a few things from international soccer fans (minus the more than occasional hooliganism, that is). This is pretty freaking awesome.
2. The announcers. When someone does actually manage to score a goal in soccer, the announcers always go nuts. I love it.
3. The goal celebrations. Soccer celebrations are epic and awesome. The NFL could really take note of this.
4. Watching little kids play. Pee Wee soccer is hilarious.
5. Brandi Chastain. This one pretty much speaks for itself.
Well, that’s pretty much it. The only redeeming qualities of soccer, in my opinion. The rest of it is about as interesting as watching grass grow. I do think the sport has a lot of potential.
How would I fix soccer? Here’s a quick 9-step plan.
- Make the field smaller, much smaller.
- Reduce the number of players on the field for each team to 6.
- Let the teams change players while the action is going on.
- Put walls around the field. Then the only way the ball can be out of bounds is if it goes over the wall.
- Cover the field with ice.
- Give the players skates so they can move faster.
- Make the ball a lot smaller and flatten it.
- Let the players use sticks, instead of their feet, to move the ball around.
- Allow the players to run each other into the walls and knock each other off their feet.
You know, something like this. This is the kind of soccer I can get exicted about.
Deadeye 